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In my work as a dating, relationship and intimacy coach, it’s often sobering to see how much the love that was absent in our childhood (and how we learned to cope with that absent love), drives our relationships in the adult years.I often teach women to understand where men are coming from and the possible struggles and wounds they’ve faced, but I also teach men to have more insight into the struggles women grow up with.At work, you bump into cabinets and space out during meetings because you’re so intoxicated by fantasies of this guy. Your attention span is shot and you can only keep your mind off him long enough to read a Tweet. How To Break It: Make a rule for yourself: No Fantasy.This is hard because we have no control over where our minds roam.You may have asked yourself at one time or another why many women find themselves attached to “absent love” by going after men who don’t show up for them and are emotionally unavailable.To be able to separate their attachment (or attraction) to an emotionally unavailable man many women need to figure out the subconscious relationship dynamics at play.The whole point of intimate connection is to usher us into growth.This – believe it or not –is what keeps romantic love interesting. So when this dynamic of “unavailable man” appeared back in my life, it was obvious I had more work to do.

After all, the love she learned in childhood was absent, and this is what she knows — that to get love somehow feels absent.But while you can’t choose not to have that first thought, you decide not to let yourself follow it. Force yourself to finish reading that Tweet, or maybe even that book you were so into before you met him. So if you’re having a serious flirtation with a guy and feel like you’re getting swept away, get back into reality STAT. The Pattern: When you like a guy, you try to orchestrate events that will bring you together, like organizing a happy hour after work or a night out dancing with your classmates. You are trying to push him to ask you out NOW so you don’t have to sit with your anxiety all week.Instead of lying in bed reliving a yummy date, go out to brunch with a friend. As uncomfortable as it might be, try to have a conversation about what’s actually going on between you rather than indefinitely staying in a fantasy relationship with him. It’s masochistic to be involved with a guy who’s not truly available for a relationship with you, whether it’s because he has a girlfriend, a wife, or just issues. The morning after a date you text him, “Thanks so much for last night, it was amazing! You feel like you have to plot out every step of this relationship and without your constant vigilance, it will wither away and die. You are not really in control anyway, even though you think you are.It is not about oversharing or being dramatic for the sake of it, it is sharing what is relevant to develop that connection in an authentic way.It is about knowing the personal behaviors that avoid true openness and availability.




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Related: Why I Love (and Respect) Cougars There is, though, an emotional purgatory most couples need to work their way through before the final decision to end a marriage is made: the separation. As much as I wanted to shout out "Hey, that's really, seriously [email protected]" I sort of understood where there was room for reasonable reticence on their part.


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